This Ain't A Love Song
by Reija Linn
Summary: Sirius PoV of the time shortly before the deaths of Lily and James Potter.


Title: This Ain't A Love Song (Day The Roses Died)  
Author: Reija Linn (T'Reija)  
Email/Feedback: theganan@gmx.de or thiari@theganan.de  
Archive: Azkaban's Lair, ff-net. Others please ask beforehand and leave the full header intact.  
Originally posted: SBRL list  
  
Pairing: Sirius/Remus, songfic  
Rating: [PG-13]  
Summary: Sirius PoV of the time shortly before the deaths of Lily and James Potter.  
Spoilers: Haven't read the books? Do so. Right away. Do not eat, sleep or pause until you're finished. Then come back.  
Warnings: male/male sexuality and/or relationship(s) featured within. Don't like, don't read, don't flame. Simple really, though seemingly not simple enough for some dim witted clots out there.  
  
Legal disclaimer: I never have, nor ever will, owned the rights to the setting of the Harry Potter books or the characters featured within. The use of said settings and characters by me is for non-commercial purposes only and does not mean to infringe upon the given legal rights that belong to Ms. J.K.Rowling and those she has associated them with. Rights to the song "This Ain't A Love song" belong to Bon Jovi Publishing, Aggressive Music and Desmobile Music Co Inc., USA. Song written by Jon Bon Jovi.  
  
  
THIS AIN'T A LOVE SONG - DAY THE ROSES DIED  
by T'Reija, May 2002  
  
// i should have seen it coming when the roses died  
// i should have seen the end of summer in your eyes  
  
The soft, cool wind of autumn plays in my hair as I watch the sun descend in the west, strands of silk brushing against my face where your hands should be touching me, giving me warmth. The leaves have started to fall; I can hear the rustling sound as they are blown over the concrete ground, the whistling of the cold breeze in the barren trees. This time of the year had once been so magical to me, to us, the beauty of the colours, red, wine, olive and mauve replacing the lush jade of summer, vowing to return in spring, a promise of eternity.  
  
Mingled with the tree leaves on the pavement are small, darkened petals that once were as red as blood and as white as snow and are now browned and crinkled along the once soft edges. My gaze wanders to the rose bush beside me, dreary looking and dying, as my heart is dying, as summer is dying now before my eyes, and I remember the day you planted them there, only a week after we'd moved into my grandparents' old house.  
  
"These are magical plants," you told me, smiling (how I miss your smile). "They are said to bloom even in the coldest winter, and to endure for all eternity. Every time I look at them I will remember that our love is as these flowers - it will last through the seasons of life and persist forever." You always were a poet in your heart, my love.  
  
When our first winter in the old cottage had arrived, the trees bare and the snow high on the streets, the roses still shone in the winter sun in crimson velvet and in white silk, fairer even than the snow.  
  
For five years now they have blossomed, through cold and heat, through draughts and rain, and you have taken care of them with gentleness and love, as you have taken care of me.  
  
Now the roses are dying, and I should have known that was a sign.  
  
// i should have listened when you said goodnight -  
// you really meant goodbye  
  
"Good night," you said, with sadness in your eyes, only yesterday. Once, we would have raced up the stairs together, desire as burning and imminent as it was in our school days, each smile a gift, each touch a miracle, each kiss a promise. Those times seem so long ago now.  
  
I don't recall how it started, perhaps with the raise of the Dark Lord, perhaps earlier, perhaps later. I can't remember when the trust and love we shared faded, when your radiant smile grew tired, when my deep confidence in you paled. And sometimes I ask myself, why? Why can't I believe you, why can't I have faith in the warmness of your eyes, the unspoken assurance that you would never betray me, the silent knowledge that I would never betray you? Why is it easier to distrust the one you love more than anything or anyone else than believe that they are innocent and someone else is to blame?  
  
Only who else could it be? The only people who know, who belong to our most trusted circle of friends are Lily and James themselves, Dumbledore, you and I. And Peter, but Peter is away so often, has grown so distant, he doesn't even know most things. Besides, he always relied so much on all three of us, he wouldn't dare...  
  
And the signs...  
  
// baby ain't it funny, how you never learn to fall  
// you're really on your knees but you think you're standing tall  
// but only fools are 'know-it-alls' and i played that fool for you  
  
I tried to ignore it, to look the other way, and in a way, I guess I still do. I haven't even told James about my suspicions, wanting, needing to protect you... even if you are the conspirer, I cannot bare to loose you, cannot bare to accept that I already have.  
  
So I ignored the fact that you closed off from me, I ignored the absences, telling myself you needed time. I even tried to ignore the letter I found on your desk, hidden underneath a stack of old papers.  
  
You wanted to assure me, wanted to protect me, you wanted me to be innocent and unawares even as you descended the dark spiral into Voldemort's hands - wanted, needed me to be a fool, and I accepted this and feigned ignorance, for the sake of the love we once shared and that I still feel for you.  
  
And I believed, I persuaded myself to believe, to assume our love could still survive, that by standing at your side as always I could bring you back to me. But dead roses won't bloom again and neither did our love.  
  
Sometimes I saw the hurt in your eyes, all those cold autumn nights when I turned away from your touch, couldn't bare it. In those moments, I longed for nothing else than the ability to believe, and we would make love as we had before this symphony of hell arose all around us. For those few moments, I would believe, I would trust, and sleep undisturbed in your arms. And the very next day, I would fall into the dark blackness of an abyss you could not save me from, and then I would cry at night, avoiding, forbidding myself to feel comfort at your touch, and each time I fell down that void a part of me died away.  
  
// i cried and i cried there were nights that i died for you baby  
// i tried and i tried to deny that your love drove me crazy, baby  
  
And why is it that I can still love you, still stand by you, when all I'm doing is killing myself, a suicidal touch of death with every day that passes, every sweet, soft, poisonous kiss we share...  
  
// if the love that i got for you is gone,  
// if the river i cried ain't that long  
// then i'm wrong, yeah i'm wrong,  
// this ain't a love song  
  
We were once so free, so careless... if life presents you with lemons, make lemonade out of them, was what my granny used to say, and though our path through life was spiked with sharp rocks we conquered our mountains together and the world was open to us. Every tune would be a love song, every thorn in our way only the bittersweet side of the beauty of the rose.  
  
And now the roses have died, the beauty faded, leaving only the sharp sting of the thorns, and the melody of our life is no longer a song of love but of ache and despair.  
  
// baby, i thought you and me would stand the test of time  
// like we got away with the perfect crime  
// but, we were just a legend in my mind - i guess that i was blind  
  
We were destined to be together, always, and not because of your were blood, not because we were forced, because we invited it, we invited eternity, we craved the closeness of the bond. The wolf and his mate, the moon and the star, Remus and Sirius, two halves of the same soul.  
  
Our first kiss, so long ago, and the room was filled with the scent of rose petals, the sign of the one true love...  
  
// remember those nights dancing at the masquerade  
// the clowns wore smiles that wouldn't fade  
  
We moved as one in the dance of life, soft kisses and touches assuring, calming as the world stood against us, one smile from the other banishing the demon of fear, the demon of hate, the demon of ignorance.  
  
Then why is it that these demons will no longer fade from my mind? Why is it that these same demons have engulfed your heart?  
  
// you and i were the renegades, some things never change  
  
Yet I stand with you, as always in the past, as I always will. If you have to flee, I will run with you, renegades on the road to hell, with the devil's bells leading us along. I know I am able to kill you, to prevent you from hurting others. But I will never be able to live without you, and the day you die will also be my own deathbed.  
  
// it made me so mad 'cause i wanted it bad for us baby  
// now it's so sad that whatever we had ain't worth saving  
  
// if the pain that i'm feeling so strong  
// is the reason that i'm holding  
// then i'm wrong, yeah i'm wrong -  
// this ain't a love song  
  
Oh, Remus, you are my undoing. And perhaps I am yours. I wish from the bottom of my heart that I could make our roses bloom and flourish once again...  
  
I wish I had the power to turn Hell's Bells into a love song.  
  
But I suppose all I can do is spiral downwards with you.  
  
And not even death will do us part.  
  
// yes i'm wrong, yeah, i'm wrong - this ain't a love song  
// yes i'm wrong, yeah, i'm wrong - this ain't a love song  
  
The End.  
  
More song fics in this series to come. 


End file.
